Tuesday, 18 August 2009
I bit the bullet and went back to work yesterday!
I think I had set myself up to fail before I even started. I had got myself quite worked up about it over the weekend. I was concerned about whether I was doing the right thing, I was worried about what I would be able to manage and I was worried about not being able to do anything and where that would leave me.
In case you hadn't noticed, I am a bit of a worrier!
I wish that I could go through life, doing what is right for me and not thinking about how it will affect anyone else. But I can't.
It doesn't help me in any way, I know that, but I can't help the way that I am!
I have a big fear of letting people down. I do worry about what people think and that I am doing enough to help myself in the situation that I am in.
It's interesting, I was talking to someone today, who said that it sounds like I have low self esteem because of my fear of what other people think. I have never thought of myself as having low self esteem. I am perfectly happy with my life, I am lucky enough to have an amazing husband etc. But it's true, I do try to do what is right by other people and not always what is right for me. Wow, this is a bit of a journey for me!
Back to the subject in hand!
So, I felt that after six weeks off, I needed to go into work, to see what I could do and where I was with it.
Nothing had changed, as far as my symptoms from the relapse were concerned, but I had got it into my head that I needed to go and see what I could do.
Not my brightest idea!
I went in, but I was an emotional wreck even before I started! They had already said that I could just stay in the office and work on some customer letters. I did that and managed to get through them. The main problem I had, was that my hand hurt a lot from the typing.
By this time I had really worked myself up. I felt that I was being a problem to everyone and also, in the back of my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about, what would happen if I couldn't manage anything at work any more.
The personnel manager was great though. She really seems to understand what I am trying to do, but also realises that, maybe I am pushing myself a little bit too much.
She tried to get me to see the positive of what I had achieved. I had managed to get myself to work, and to do about an hour and a half of work. So that was good.
But I was worried - see that worry bee popping up again - that it wasn't enough and that I would be judged for it.
Of course, I haven't been judged and have been told that no-one is going to judge me for anything that I do.
She did make it clear to me that I had done enough for that day and that to deal with Wednesday - my next shift - when it came. She was talking sense and I knew that really.
With all my focus on getting to work and what would happen at work, I hadn't thought, at all, about how I would feel after I had been there.
It did affect me quite a lot. I was totally exhausted, both physically and mentally. I also had a lot of pain in my hand, which I kind of expected, but I wasn't expecting to feel so poorly. I was very wobbly on my legs and really didn't feel too well at all.
I am beginning to realise that stress isn't good when combined with MS and that by trying to work I am causing myself a LOT of stress!
So, maybe it wasn't my finest hour. I think my intentions were OK, but it was maybe too much too soon. I don't know. I'll wait and see how I feel tomorrow and make a decision about going back in then.
I would like to take this chance to introduce everyone to a incredible young man. I have "met" him and am following his story on Twitter.
His name is Dustin Kessler and he is a 16 year old, who comes from Germany.
He is, in his words, a heart case, who has had several surgeries. He has also just come out of a two week coma, following surgery to remove a brain tumor.
He loves drawing and music. I have seen a couple of his drawings, that he has posted pictures of, on Twitter. I have to say I am no artist, a stick man is about my limit, but wow, this guy is amazing!!
He doesn't have a great life expectancy, of which he is willing to talk about and admit. But the way he talks about what he has been through and what he is yet to face, I believe he is truly inspirational.
If you would like to check out his website, the address is
This next link is to a picture of a drawing that he did in 2006. It is of Captain America & co - It is amazing!
If you want to be inspired by someone who has been through more in life than any of us could ever imagine, then check out his blog. He is looking for as much support and feedback as he can, so this is my small way of trying to help him.
Keep inspiring people, Dustin, you are doing such a wonderful job of it!